I should note immediately that I have stolen this category from Fug, who I hope will not mind, because I think they are hilarious and awesome.
So, a long time ago, when I thought I was much more adorable than I actually was, I bought a domain name, and used Lunarpages to host it, certain I would have a fully functional website up and running within the next year. This was pure and utter folly on my part, because the gods of hubris got bored with Oedipus awhile ago and have been on my back ever since. There is no website and there never has been. I am currently wrestling with Dreamweaver and CSS books (and should like to hereby thoroughly recommend the Missing Manual series, because they are the exact shade of green that the ninja turtles used to be in comics, and they are detailed without being pompous and assume I initially know nothing without being condescending. And the doggie on the cover is just awfully cute).
Anyway. I had this domain name. Hosted by Lunarpages. Everyone with me so far?
They sent me an email a few weeks ago asking if I wanted to renew my account.
I said NO. And just NO. Because the anti-drug campaigns of the eighties taught me well.
They were sorry to hear that. There weren’t perchance, any problems with my account?
Nope, I said. I am just a fool who should never have been paying for hosting before I had a valid site.
That’s okay, they said. We love fools. We love people who give us money for services they never use. We’d like to give you a discount to continue doing exactly that. A 40% discount. Just email us back and confirm.
Now, I love a 40% discount as much as the next girl, but a $60 dress I won’t wear is quite nearly as dumb a purchase as a $100 dress I won’t wear, so I shook my head, and did not reply to the email, because oftentimes that is all the encouragement they need to register it as a yes. Though I will say, for future reference, almost any sort of service you renew regularly will give you an immense discount if you threaten to leave. Try it sometime, just for kicks. Even if you don’t really want to leave. You can always re-open the account later, and you haven’t lost anything. Those gypsies knew what they were up to, with the haggling. Hang out in the Campo del Fiori in Rome and act like you’re not at all interested in that leather jacket, and eventually you will walk away with it for about 7 Euros. And it will have a map of the world on the silk lining of the inside and it will be cracked and perfectly distressed and have a buckle that cinches your tiny little waist and you will be glad you played hard to get.
Don’t do this with men. It only works with the ones you wouldn’t want. But it works with leather jackets. And domain names. And, evidently, every chain store in the United States, though this is a recent development and frankly, I am skeptical of its truthiness. Though I will try it. Oh, I will.
Lunarpages just sent me an email thanking me for my renewal. Grrrrrrr . . .
But they have redeemed themselves. For one thing, they have a customer service number, though Amazon does not, unless you Google it to find it at other random locations (like that link), at which point you get the best customer service I have personally ever received.
Meanwhile, at LunarPages: Fifteen minutes of waiting for a representative, and another ten of being on hold with that representative, and he didn’t even trouble me for more than my account info and my problem. Which he promptly fixed in the space of that ten minutes. He got back on and told me I’d been issued a full refund, and my account had been canceled, and thank you very much for doing business with us. And so I say well played, LunarPages, though I shall be watching my bank account balance closely, for I know the crafty ways of internet dealings. Well played indeed.