Rogue Ink

May 10, 2008

And the Winner Is . . . Dirtiness.

Filed under: Journalism,Out of Context,Quotes,Writing — Tei @ 6:25 pm
Tags: , , ,

Rogues, scoundrels, fiends, vagabonds, renegades, rebels, down-at-heel heroes, kitchen lads and lasses, and, of course, artists . . . .

I give you the submissions for the Bad Journalism Pun Joke Awards.

The insanely awesome prize for winning this contest is a drink of the winner’s choosing, bought by the owner of the Lusty Weevil (that would be your Rogue truly), cash. Well, not cash. PayPal. Because this is a virtual pub, people. You gotta roll with it. The virtual component of the prize means that the drink retains the magical ability to change form AFTER IT HAS BEEN ORDERED AND BOUGHT. It is a web-based goblet of liquid that transmogrifies upon the winner asserting his or her will. Yes, I just got all geeky on ten dollars sent via PayPal. Pay no attention to the rogue behind the curtain.

Without further ado, I give you: Bad Journalism Pun Jokes.

Our First Contestant: Kelly of Maximum Customer Experience

Kelly wins points for not only being the first person to make a joke, but by sending me a link to Cover Letters From Hell, giving a nod to Pheonix Way, and referencing both lederhosen and a cloak of invisibility. She also entered this contest twice, giving her two shots at the title. Starting off strong. Kelly’s two entries are:

“Okay, so the other day I walk past a solid-body on Pheonix Way, getting a nice kicker out of scratching his nut graf right through his lederhosen…”

“There’s a reason for the cloak of invisibility. Maybe they’re each afraid their nut graf isn’t quite the kicker it’s supposed to be.”

Our Second Contestant: Janice Cartier of Painting a Day

Janice gets points for picking up on the storytelling vibe not once, but twice, and contributing to the ongoing tale of our beloved Lusty Weevil. She also used all four of the given words, and gets extra credit for her creative use of the word ‘lede’. (Note: the Rogue does not advocate Coors, lede or otherwise.) She also entered twice (sort of) by getting into the swing and using ‘nut graf’ as an expletive, which tickled the Rogue, and incorporated the phrase ‘shaking the salmon’. Janice’s entries are as follows:

“Harrison enters the pub…’Walk this way, walk this way”…. a swagger in his kicker, he tosses a fresh tie die to Brett, some jeans. “Ladies getting rowdy again?” Brett, grabs the tee out of the air, puts on the pants. “Nothing I can’t handle, bro”. One solid body follows the other over to the bar as every female eye in the place follows. “Two Coors lede, barkeep.” The Viking hands one to his friend. They turn and look around, survey all Tei’s friends, ” Ahhhh, nut graf, just the way we like’ em.” “Could get kind of messy”….”Ahhh, we’ll mop it up.”

“Allison, seriously, hold the blade right there. And quit shaking the salmon, Every nut graf in the universe will be calling you up.”

Our Third Contestant: Wendi Kelly of Life’s Little Inspirations.

Wendi gets points for using the word naked many times over, for mentioning viking hats and bravely making the first undeniably sexual visual of the night. Bonus for referencing bestiality. Go, Wendi. We didn’t know you had it in you.

“OMG! Now Brett is naked, naked naked.

oh wait…now he has a viking hat hanging from his lede on his solid body.

Um..Brett watch out for those horns, there is a mis-behaved dog jostling things around in here. You don’t want to get a kicker in your nut graf.”

Our Third Contestant: Rebecca Smith of Smithwriting

Rebecca gets points for using all four of the words in a single trail of thought, as well as using the word ‘nut graf’ as what sounds like a painful medical problem. Also, for being the only person to go for the obvious pun on ‘lede’. Her entry also references collegiate sex, of which I have fond memories. Her entry:

Rebecca Smith: “I dated this guy in college who had a real solid body, but here’s the kicker: He had a nut graf. Funny, he still ledes the pack of my ex-boyfriends …”

Our Fourth Contestant: Matt Tuley of This Laptop for Hire

Matt gets points for defending his own nut graf. However, he has unfortunately disqualified himself by tagging me in a meme for which Brett had already tagged me, leaving me to come up with sixteen MORE random facts about myself that I have not already referenced at the Lusty Weevil. And since this pub is a ball of random, that takes some doing. Extra work for Tei = no soup for Matt. Here’s his entry anyway:

Matt Tuley: “I knew a guy once had to get a nut graf. Was out of commission for a week. There, but for the grace of God…”

Our Fifth Contestant: Karen JL of Storyboard Blog

Karen started off crazy strong, by referencing a comment I made, talking about booze, giving all the journalism words creative alcohol-related references and inventing what sounds like the best Writer’s Brew ever. Unfortunately, Karen went and shot herself in the foot by claiming Aquarians rock more than Sagittarians. With totally unjust prejudice from the judges, she too is disqualified. Here’s her recipe for Writer’s Brew though:

“Yes, fresh booze all day long. BUT when you get here early, you get to give the keg a good little kicker, which gives the lede a solid body and you get lots of head on your nut graf. Mmmm…”

AND THE WINNER IS:

Brett Legree, in a surprise Pingback entry.

Brett wins for the following reasons:

He took the lede by dragging the game on over to his own blog, where he referenced his very own nut graf, a bold move no other contestant took. The kicker? He offered up a solid body with nut graf on full view. In a shocking turn of events, the pornographic entry wins the favor of the judges. Brett, send me your PayPal address. I’m buying you a beer.

And a tablecloth. That peanut bowl is see-through. It’s like covering yourself up with a giant magnifying glass.

Unless that was the point.

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20 Comments »

  1. Tei,

    Saturday, the kid is here. I am trying VERY hard not to LOL or cry from not LOLing, neither one of which is working very well. I really do not want to have to explain what’s so funny. As a tear runs down my right cheeck, I salute you, for making all our terrible puns much, much funnier when aggregated. I was following Brett’s lede by continuing the snark over at 6 weeks… I hit submit, and then saw your trackback. Now my sides hurt.

    Plus, if I’m really quick, I might get firsties.

    Love it!

    Regards,

    Kelly

    Comment by Kelly — May 10, 2008 @ 6:36 pm | Reply

  2. Brett is vile, vilest of vile….snatched the prize right out from us with his own nut graf!!!!

    Damn, we’re going to have to kick some Viking Butt.

    Falling off my chair laughing. Seriously fun. 🙂

    Comment by Janice Cartier — May 10, 2008 @ 6:58 pm | Reply

  3. Woo hoo! (*naked Viking dance*) Thanks Tei!

    What a nice surprise, and I honestly wouldn’t even have thought I was in the running, as everyone else had solid jokes. I’ll have to dig up my PayPal address as it has been a while since I used it…

    I think I’ll use the money to buy that statue a REALLY BIG magnifying glass, he sure needs the help 🙂

    -Brett

    Comment by Brett Legree — May 10, 2008 @ 8:30 pm | Reply

  4. Tei,

    You’ve outdone yourself again. I almost woke my son up, because I was laughing so loud. These jokes are funny, even though I still don’t know what a damn lede is, or a nut graf for that matter. I don’t care either. Maybe the jokes are better without that understanding 😀

    And damn you for changing the perspective on that pinda bowl. It wasn’t see through in my imagination and now it is. Damn you!

    I know, I know. Everything naked… At least do me the pleasure of playing a hand of poker on it 🙂 With whiskey of course. Straight up. I’ll shuffle the cards.

    Comment by Lode — May 10, 2008 @ 8:35 pm | Reply

  5. Wait! Wait! Brett wins and he wasn’t even here? I protest! I mean, sure, mine was lame–hardly worth the effort–but, but… Oh, all right. Best IS best, after all.

    Well, done, Brett! Well done!

    You know, Tei, you don’t HAVE to do more than the eight the meme calls for. Just because, you know, I did, though having, I’m sure, nowhere NEAR the youthful energy that someone like yourself has, that doesn’t mean YOU have to. Just sayin’.

    (Hm, capitals for emphasis looks bad. Can I place more emphasis with markup?)

    Comment by Matt Tuley — May 10, 2008 @ 8:51 pm | Reply

  6. (Why, yes! Yes, I can!)

    Comment by Matt Tuley — May 10, 2008 @ 8:52 pm | Reply

  7. Tei, Tei,

    Never underestimate Grandma Wendi….

    You never know WHAT I might do next!

    Comment by wendikelly — May 10, 2008 @ 9:55 pm | Reply

  8. Hey, hey, hey…I NEVER said Aquarians rock MORE than Sagittarians! I merely stated that they rock. Is that so wrong??? Janice agreed! Man what a scam. I’ve been duped. Recount!

    Ironically enough my latest post is entitled ‘Why I don’t participate in contests’. How weird is that? I think we all have to gang up on Brett and kick him in the nut graf…bar brawl!

    OK, I’m done. Hell, I’m happy for the link. 🙂

    Comment by Karen JL — May 11, 2008 @ 2:09 am | Reply

  9. By the way…(testicle jokes aside) what is a nut graf (for real?)

    Comment by Friar — May 11, 2008 @ 2:12 am | Reply

  10. Your bemoaning will do you no good. If only you had realized that the judges are so easily swayed by pornographic ancient statuary . . .

    I am pleased to have caused everyone such physical pain in hilarity. That’s what we were going for. It’s the good stuff.

    Brett: The Greeks and Romans considered smaller penises to be more beautiful.

    Matt: Youthful energy. Hah.

    Karen JL: Yes. Yes it is SO wrong. Which is why you were disqualified. It was a just and righteous disqualification, and had nothing to do with undue prejudice in defense of one’s astrological sign. Now leave Brett alone. He’s probably having trouble with the penis comment.

    Comment by Tei — May 11, 2008 @ 2:14 am | Reply

  11. He’ll always have his nut graf…I heard it’s huge.

    PS: Aquarians rock MORE than Sagittarians…neh, neh…

    Comment by Karen JL — May 11, 2008 @ 2:19 am | Reply

  12. Friar: A lede is the grabber sentence, the one that makes you go, “My God, I do believe this article will be a better use of my time than scratching my left thigh for five minutes!” The nut graf is the paragraph immediately following, which generally sums up what the article is going to be about. It also generally belies the lede. I’ll write a post about it. It’ll be fun.

    Karen: See, that’s why you didn’t win. I knew what was lurking in your black little Aquarian heart.

    Comment by Tei — May 11, 2008 @ 5:16 am | Reply

  13. @Tei,

    “The Greeks and Romans considered smaller penises to be more beautiful.”

    Hmm, I did not know that. Probably explains why they didn’t have a flourishing porn industry, as big screen TV’s hadn’t been invented yet…

    @Karen,

    (*covers his nut graf with an extra large, iron-plated peanut bowl*)

    Thankfully I wasn’t drinking my coffee when I read that…

    Comment by Brett Legree — May 11, 2008 @ 12:29 pm | Reply

  14. This post was really hilarious! Way to go! This is from the unobtrusive newcomer to your pub –the kind that wants to just sit back and watch all the fun! I couldn’t resist speaking up though when you brought up,

    “The Greeks and Romans considered smaller penises to be more beautiful.”

    This is so true. Remember Michaelangelo’s David? For years in my innocent childhood, I thought that was the standard size. Before ‘big’ was in before ‘small’ took center stage and was considered aesthetic. And at that time, artists usually have young pretty boys as their paramour which explains Tei’s comment above. ‘nu[tgra]f said.

    Comment by ksyu — May 11, 2008 @ 1:05 pm | Reply

  15. Tei

    Thanks for explaining. Your blog is not only hilarious, but informative. I’m learning more about English and proper writing styles than I ever did at University.

    I’m just an illiterate engineer. We spent all our time looking up Kilojoules in Steam Tables and deciding which Laplace Transformation to use. It didnt’ leave to much time to study nut-grafs.

    …Except mabye when plotting experimental data. (…just don’t ask what kind of experiments those were!)

    Comment by Friar — May 11, 2008 @ 1:17 pm | Reply

  16. Karen, karen… we were out nut graffed…but on the upside, we got a roman penis, some kilojoules, and a whole ‘nuther way to look at David, not to mention the possibility of a rematch…we’re going to have to shake some salmon…

    Comment by Janice Cartier — May 11, 2008 @ 3:02 pm | Reply

  17. […] It’s been going on since Greek and Roman times (for those of you who aren’t reading the comments, and seriously, you’re missing out, yes, those are the same Greeks and Romans who admired the […]

    Pingback by The Rogue Mother’s Day « Rogue Ink — May 11, 2008 @ 5:05 pm | Reply

  18. @ Tei – Yes, we Aquarians can be an evil bunch. But we’re very creative about it.

    @ Brett – Don’t worry, I’m all talk. I’d never harm a man’s nut graf. 🙂

    @ Janice – Yes. Yes, we were. We can start our little artist gang over in the corner and plot our revenge. But all the penis talk has made up for any hard feelings. Heh heh…’hard’.

    Comment by Karen JL — May 11, 2008 @ 7:08 pm | Reply

  19. I am beyond honored. Thanks for the shout-out, Tei! This pub freakin’ rocks. Pass the pitcher –

    Comment by Rebecca Smith — May 11, 2008 @ 9:38 pm | Reply

  20. […] lede, nut graf The Deep Friar, the other day, asked in all seriousness, after we’d been joking about it all day, what a nut graf was. This after I explicitly told everyone we were not going to be discussing […]

    Pingback by Journalism components « Rogue Ink — May 12, 2008 @ 6:28 am | Reply


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