Rogue Ink

May 14, 2008

16 Strange Things About Tei

Filed under: Off Topic — Tei @ 5:41 am
Tags: , ,

I got tagged by a meme. This is my first meme ever, and I can’t say I’m entirely thrilled about it, because I don’t like to waste all my random at once, but here goes. Thanks to Brett and Matt for making this one a double-header.

1. I have a deep and abiding love for my car. In a scary way.

My car is a ’94 Honda Civic named Billy Markham, and he is my faithful companion and true. We have borne some fifty thousand miles in each other’s company over the last two years, and we have met many strange people and seen many amazing things, the oceans that bound this country and the mountains that raise it. The exploits of the ubiquitous Billy Markham are many, and some few worth recounting. He once pulled an eight-by-four trailer with a mattress strapped atop it through the Rocky Mountains, the Nevada desert, and the Sierras, expiring many a time in the heat only to rise again to battle his mistress homeward. He once brought me through a snowstorm all night long with a busted coil that could have exploded at any time. He delivered me, safe and unexploded, before quietly expiring in the night, never crying out of his ills, never letting me know of the torments he had suffered that night on my behalf. The mechanic who saw him the next day was in awe. “Truly,” quoth he, “this steed must bear you the greatest of loves, for I have never seen another sustain such a wound and continue onward. Had he been a lesser beast, you would have died out there, in the snows of Montana.”

Seriously. It’s a little sick. But I love him, and I will not let him die, not yet, not while I have breath to work on him and money to repair what I cannot. Also, he’s about to become a Colorado citizen, as of June.

2. I can’t whistle.

I really can’t. Good men have tried and failed to teach me. I blame it on my dental work.

3. I am a Champion.

No, for real. When I was sixteen, I became a swordfighter. I was good at it. The friend who taught me to fight and I had long talks about nobility and goodness and chivalry and what it all meant, and six weeks later he came back from Colorado, where he’d been studying blacksmithing, with a sword he forged me. He asked me if I would be his Champion, to guard over him and his children, for the rest of our days, and I accepted.

Come on. It’s not like I could tell him, “Sorry, dude, I’m not into this Champion stuff. Can’t I just be your homefry? We’ll get pizza. It’ll be just as good.”

It became a big part of my life, and if you’re one of my closest friends, you’ve seen it in action. Call it a hero complex. One of my kith and kindred needs me, I’m on the next flight out to be by their side and solve all the troubles. It’s a good credo. Never could think of better.

4. Karaoke. I’m great at it.

Once I was doing Salt-N-Pepa’s Shoop and the machine got behind on the tempo, so that the words on the screen weren’t synced with the music. They were, in fact, not the right words for that section at all. I got through the whole thing. Perfectly. I was AWESOME. I can also do Tupac’s California Love up right.

Don’t even talk to me about Eminem. I don’t want to hear it.

5. My hands and feet are seriously tiny.

I’m 5’8” and I weigh in at about a buck-forty, and my feet are a size six and a half. My hands are the palmist equivalent. Certain friends of mine have been known to stare at my toes. Not in the cute baby way, like, “Aw, wook at da widdle toes.” In the: “Dude. Your pinkie toe is disappearing into your foot and it’s scaring me,” way.

6. I’ve never done drugs.

No. Not even that one. Not even the demon weed. I don’t have any particular reason why. Never had a good reason to. I expect that some day I will find myself in Amsterdam with Snoop Dogg, and then I will have a damned good reason, but for some reason, ‘because we’re all getting high in the basement’ was never good enough for me. As it stands, though, my parents are more experimental drug-wise than me.

Yes, I’m aware that alcohol is technically a drug, but until the FDA classes it as such, no, I haven’t done drugs. I am a bad Californian.

7. I need my feet on the ground.

I can’t bicycle, roller skate, roller blade, ice skate, skateboard, unicycle, stilt-walk, or do any other activity that involves my feet only slightly elevated from the ground and balanced upon some object whose integral structure I cannot feel. Cars are fine. I’m actually a great driver, and I enjoy it. The jury’s out on motorcycles. I’m a little afraid to try. This is because the last time I was on a bicycle, I knocked out my two front teeth. And a motorcycle is kind of like a bicycle with an engine and a higher top-speed. It seems like I could potentially do a lot of self-damage on one of those.

I really want to try, though.

8. You can see 3-D images in my handwriting.

This is something a buddy of mine claimed back in high school. It is tiny. It is pretty. And it is damned near illegible. Here is my best attempt at a photo of it.

Cross your eyes and move your face away from the page slowly. If you do it right, you’ll see an elephant.

9. I used to play football.

Also soccer, basketball, and volleyball, but football’s the one everyone gets kind of weirded out by. No, I wasn’t a kicker. I was a running back. It didn’t last much past puberty. All the boys went and got huge, and there started to be a physics problem. If a body of mass x encounters a body of mass y at the same velocity, does the body of mass y get slaughtered? I do believe it does.

10. I’m a homophonophobic.

I just made that word up, but it’s true. Homophones: words that sound like other words. Your-you’re. They’re-there-their. If you screw these up, I will hurt you. It is the equivalent of nails on a chalkboard to me. I do not understand what the problem is. WHY is this so difficult? Do you write PHONETICALLY? Do you still SOUND OUT YOUR SYLLABLES AS YOU TYPE THEM? Then WHY ARE YOU MAKING THIS MISTAKE?

I understand a typo. A typo is fine. I do those too. Hit the wrong key. It happens. But this is not a typo. This is a word that MEANS SOMETHING ELSE ALTOGETHER.

It especially troubles me when professional writers do this. I am not naming names, because that is mean, but I recently saw a professional copywriter do a blog post whose TITLE had a homophonic error in it, and then someone else RE-posted it, HOMOPHONIC ERROR INTACT. And I wanted to kill EVERYONE IN THE WORLD. And use CAPITALS GRATUITOUSLY. Which I realize is probably someone else’s pet peeve, excessive capitals. That’s okay. We all have our little things, and this is mine.

‘Cause, you know. MY LIST.

11. I’m superstitious.

I like magic. I like signs and portents and fortune-telling, and I’m a sucker for the real stuff. I’m not going to believe every charlatan on a street corner, but there was this one card-reader in Manhattan who totally got me because she was precise about things and she looked like a walking mummy with these big eerie eyes. She said I would have ‘at least two children’ and she wouldn’t talk about my health or my friend’s, which freaked us both out a bit. We were a little convinced that we were going to walk outside and a piano would drop on us.

We didn’t really. But there’s a strange little midland between believing in something completely and having it work its way into your brain, and I live in that midland.

I leave milk out for the fairies. I throw salt over my left shoulder when I spill it. I fork my fingers at evil people. I don’t follow any particular faith on this one, pretty much any-and-all. If you tell me some African tribe back in the early A.D. period used to spin in a circle and belch to dispel evil spirits, I’ll probably add it to my repertoire. Be careful with this one. I already have a bunch of strange little ways.

12. I mimic dialects.

Not on purpose, it just happens. When I lived in Oakland, I spoke Ebonics, well enough that my boyfriend at the time had a friend who got on the phone with me and said, “I thought your girl was white?” When I went to England, I had an English accent, which was difficult because I would usually start, say, asking someone for directions, realize that I had asked in an English accent and now I had to keep it up, lest they think I was mocking them.

It works in other languages, but to a lesser degree, since my vocabulary isn’t fantastic. When I was in France speaking French, they assumed I was Italian because my accent was good but my grammar was mediocre. Same thing, reversed, for Italy. The accent was good enough that they thought I was just over the border, but the words weren’t fooling anyone.

One exception: Scots accent. Can’t maintain it. I think it’s because I’ve only ever heard men talking in a Scots accent. If I mimic them, I pitch my voice lower, as though the male baritone were part and parcel of the accent. I’m still trying to figure out which portion of my brain to blame on this one.

13. I can recite poetry.

Lots of it. I used to memorize for fun on long car trips. Still do, actually. Good way to freak out someone who’s arguing badly. Just start quoting appropriate Wordsworth at them. Clams ’em right up.

14. If I’m with a good female friend and some guy tries to hit on us, we will unabashedly pretend to be lesbians.

Not in the hot lesbian lover way. We’ll basically act a little embarrassed, as though we’re sorry he got the wrong idea. “Oh. Um, this is awkward, but you see, we’re together. Yeah, together together. We’ve actually been married in a civil ceremony and we’re about to adopt. She’s planning on taking some time off of work to take care of the baby since I really can’t be away from my job right now, and – I’m sorry. Are we boring you?”

It’s good fun. Making up professions is good too, especially if you can throw in some age-old couple banter.

“Yes, she’s a photographer and I’m a lawyer, just made partner actually.”

“She’s the smart one in the relationship.”

“Oh, honey, stop that. That’s just not true – she’s brilliant, really she is.”

Kills the mojo dead. It’s amazing.

15. I am a speedy touch-typist.

85 words per minute, easy, and I can do it without looking at the keyboard. Good party trick.

16. I am Catwoman.

No, not really, but cats really like me. If I live with them, they’re totally indifferent, but I cannot tell you how many times I have been wandering down the street and cats have begun following me. They also invade my house – I’ll open the door and a cat I do not know will slink in and start looking around, as though searching for my secret drug stash. Then they’ll sit back and look at me expectantly. I keep feeling like someone told the cats that I’m the incoming prophet, and they got the wrong girl.

There you go. A plethora of randomness. To bed with me, because, bonus fact: I get tetchy if I’m in the same place for too long. I like having a home to come home to, but I am riding the wind much of the time. If I can ever get the writing together enough to become a travel writer for National Geographic, you’ll never see me again.

I know you’re supposed to tag people on a meme, but unless someone dinks my superstitious side and tells me that all the babies born today will die horrible deaths by a vengeful god unless I pass it on, I think I’ll let it die with me. If for no other reason than I don’t know eight bloggers who haven’t already been tagged. Tell you what, give me your favorite awesome blog in the comments and I’ll go expand my Pool of Awesome.

Subscribe. More random every day.

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30 Comments »

  1. Ok. I’ve officially fallen for you. Brush aside the wonderful fact that you’re a cat person, but your car actually has a surname. And it’s a Civic. *Swoon* That’s a whole new world of awesomeness I’ve never been privy to. Now to tell my girlfriend.

    Comment by Nick Cernis — May 14, 2008 @ 7:28 am | Reply

  2. Your handwriting is so old-school and Pride & Prejudicey! It wins for being pretty-illegible as opposed to horrid-messy-scrawly-doctor’s-writing-illegible. But I think that’s a rabbit not an elephant you can see in that pic.

    Comment by sunili — May 14, 2008 @ 7:53 am | Reply

  3. Tei,

    #9, 10, 12—me too. (Well, #12 I only do when it’s called for, like when I’m in a play or reading a story to my daughter, or telling about something that happened to me… not right to people while asking for directions. That cracked me up.) The rest is cool stuff.

    I didn’t know there were people who can’t whistle. I am starting to wonder if that’s my daughter’s lot. I had a lot of parnet=guilt like maybe I failed to teach her to whistle and this might mean she doesn’t get into Princeton or something. Maybe I’ll relax a bit on that, and start feeling like a failure over the fact that she doesn’t *want* to learn to bicycle.

    You are still (and I have said this before) my favorite stickler. Anyone who gets nuts about this language of ours must be a buddy of mine. I did my meme on Sunday and I didn’t include any stickler-ness. I’m ashamed.

    Rock on, dear stickler.

    Regards,

    Kelly

    Comment by Kelly — May 14, 2008 @ 10:31 am | Reply

  4. I believe in you. I believe that yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Clause and by god, Tei can learn to whistle.

    This was a great read, by the way. Now I have to go claim Harry as my Champion because that’s just a very cool thing to do.

    Why the hell isn’t your new blog up yet so I don’t have to write a fucking post-it note to come back here to read? This bothers me.

    🙂

    Comment by James Chartrand - Men with Pens — May 14, 2008 @ 10:59 am | Reply

  5. “WHY ARE YOU MAKING THIS MISTAKE?”

    Because we have typing brains.

    I’m serious. Yes, I do think about the words I’m about to type, and no, I don’t say them out loud but I do *think* them out loud and I don’t do the typing. Some other part of my brain does that, and sometimes it gets bored and is off thinking about something else when it SHOULD BE PAYING ATTENTION (the caps were for its benefit) and it spits out a “their” for a “there”.

    The really funny part is that another part of me is watching the words as they appear and if it is paying attention I’ll get notified and do the Big Boss bit of bringing everything to a halt while we fix the problem. But sometimes the watching part is off playing in some imaginary garden too so the mistake slips through.

    You probably have a typing brain. Maybe yours is more obedient or focused. Maybe it’s afraid of you because of the swords and all.

    Comment by Tony Lawrence — May 14, 2008 @ 11:49 am | Reply

  6. Tei:
    1. I *adore* my sweet, sizzlin’ storm silver metallic Honda Fit. Except that I’m afraid to name her in case anything happens to her. I call her Honey. She is caressed and kissed often. No hanky panky happens in this car because it’s too weird when she’s watching.
    6. I could have written this myself (except the parent part; on that, I don’t even know). Never done drugs. Don’t even do Tylenol.
    7. TOtally!! Aside from driving, I walk everywhere. I always say I like my feet on the ground. And just yesterday, when this old guy sped by on the coolest bright yellow Honda scooter, I thought, maybe I could try that? I used to be able to talk dirty about the Harley Night Train but I’ve never ridden one.
    8. I think I could read your (spectacular) handwriting, though the angle made it a bit tough. Why must he be feeling guilty, and what’s this about redemption? Did you lose someone? Who were you telling to just love them? What dearest boys? Why do you hope he’s all right? What happened? This is probably the most intriguing photo I’ve ever stared at for so long. The letter seems so…raw.
    10. It’s me. I hate the all caps thing. See yesterday’s post.
    11. Me too! It’s part of why I have all Joanne Harris’s books on my shelf.
    12. Oh my God, I’ve been so embarrassed by this. I tend to adopt the accent of people I’m talking to, especially English and southern US accents. There’s no doubt they think I’m mocking them.

    Great read! I don’t think it was a waste of time at all, or whatever that feeling was you had about it. Sometimes the random is the most meaningful of all.

    Comment by steph — May 14, 2008 @ 1:26 pm | Reply

  7. PS. Ach, I’m so sorry my comments are so fucking long all the time. They’re posts in themselves. I’ll try to be a good editor and keep them short. Like this one.

    Comment by steph — May 14, 2008 @ 1:28 pm | Reply

  8. Tei, loved the random list. I do the accent thing too and even funnier when I’m very excited I speak like I’m from Texas. Can’t figure out why, I have never lived there and I try to stop it but it just spills out. I blame it on the part of my brain that wanted to be an actress. Their and there, oh yea bugs me silly. Once edited a book for a client where he mixed them up every single time he used them, ticked me off royally!

    Comment by Karen Swim — May 14, 2008 @ 1:33 pm | Reply

  9. No way!

    I also had a 94 Civic (turquoise colored) but it had no name.

    I lived out of it for three months, on a 32,000 kilometer road trip around the continent.

    I took throught the Badlands of Dakota and up to 14,000 feet in Colorado. Through the Mojave Desert, across the Rocky mountains, up through to Alaksa and up past the Artic Circle in the Northwest Terriroties.

    Those Hondas just go-go-go. I LOVED that car.

    The only reason I dont’ have it anymore is that it tragically died in an accident 5 years ago.

    Comment by Friar — May 14, 2008 @ 2:36 pm | Reply

  10. Hmmm…so THAT explains it.

    Note to Self:

    If you meet two lesbians, they might only be pretending to be, just to get rid of you.

    Comment by Friar — May 14, 2008 @ 2:37 pm | Reply

  11. @Friar

    You are forgetting your Manliness 101 training.

    If you meet any woman who isn’t interested in you, she *is* a lesbian, even if she isn’t aware of it yet.

    It’s that simple (and isn’t it amazing how many lesbians there are?).

    Comment by Tony Lawrence — May 14, 2008 @ 2:43 pm | Reply

  12. Yes! 16! Right on. See, I told you you have loads of youthful energy!

    #6 I suspect if you’re anywhere with Snoop Dog, you’ll be doing weed.
    #11 I am a science educator with a degree in physics. I still throw salt over my shoulder. Childhood “programming” can be hard to break!
    #12 Better go to Scotland, then, so you can do it right. Plus, Scotland!

    Favorite awesome blog. Hm. Well, my favorite awesome blog is http://psdtuts.com/, but I would guess that to be outside your realm of interest. 😦

    In looking at my newsfeed reader, I can understand why James wants comment subscriptions by email. A newsreader list of subscriptions can get pretty long and annoying to manage. With an email subscription, when the action dies down in the comments, the emails just stop coming. Nothing to sort through after that.

    Comment by Matt Tuley, Laptop for Hire — May 14, 2008 @ 3:25 pm | Reply

  13. That’s one poetic mechanic ya got there, Tei.

    Is swordfighting distinct from fencing? I’ve not heard of it, ‘cept as a fairly archaic means of actual slaughter. (“It’s only a flesh wound!”)

    BTW, have no sticklers wondered before why (if I accurately remember the Creation Myth) we don’t all chuckle knowingly about the “niebubf” meme?

    Comment by Mark V. McDonnell — May 14, 2008 @ 4:03 pm | Reply

  14. @Tony

    Yeah….that’s it. That’s the ticket.

    Based on that, I must be responsible for half of the gay population in the Splat Creek Valley.

    @Tei

    SEE what your cruel head-games are doing to us men? (Sniff sniff)

    Comment by Friar — May 14, 2008 @ 4:51 pm | Reply

  15. We have so much in common it’s sick. But in a good way. Can things be sick in a good way? Hmmm…

    Comment by Sandie — May 14, 2008 @ 5:44 pm | Reply

  16. Tei,

    The accent thing…I can’t help it.It’s like a sponge in my brain. I don’t know how to turn it off. I was in Ireland ONE day and they thought I lived there and were asking me for directions. It’s embarrasing. It helps on stage, but othere than that…
    The mixing up of words? Oh Tei, I fear you.I mix up everything. I don’t even know my right hand from my left and can’t spell. Sometimes after I’ve hit Sumbit comment I can’t believe what I see starring back at me. I LOVE everyone who has that thing that says ” YOU have X amount of minutes to change all of the things you just realized you screwed up” I hope the Pen Men can give that to you, along with spell check and a thesarasus and maybe a dictionary so we won’t piss you off.:)

    Comment by wendikelly — May 14, 2008 @ 7:27 pm | Reply

  17. Matt,

    You are NOT allowed to agree with James on this. I can not love you anymore! You’ll have to go back to your wife.

    Sandie,

    Lots of things can be sick in a good way. As long as they’re not too sick. 🙂

    James,

    “It can all be done in a week,” he says. “Painless transition,” he says. Yada, yada, yada.

    Tei,

    If you are playing cruel head games, please continue. Not a peep from you since this morning, yet men are strewn at your feet. That’s quite a talent.

    Regards,

    Kelly

    Comment by Kelly — May 14, 2008 @ 7:35 pm | Reply

  18. @Kelly Hey, I just said I could see his point. I still prefer the RSS feed myself. I just put all the comment feeds in a single group in Bloglines and there they all are, nice and tidy. Plus, cleaner inbox.

    Comment by Matt Tuley — May 14, 2008 @ 7:50 pm | Reply

  19. We’re not strewn.

    We’re careful arranged in phalanxes, shields ready, watchful for Tei’s attack.

    We know she’s out there somewhere.. and we’ll be ready for her!

    Comment by Tony Lawrence — May 14, 2008 @ 9:19 pm | Reply

  20. Oh, gods.

    Okay, people. I love you.

    I am, as I just informed James, in DC, to see my brother graduate. I have also been finishing several writing projects and painting my bedroom so I don’t have to come home to the goddamned purple-and-turquoise walls the last tenant favored. Nothing says ‘you finally have a house of your own to come back to’ like fucking purple and turquoise walls.

    It pleases me greatly that my head games kept the menfolk distracted while I was gone.

    Nick: Tough shakes for your girlfriend. Tell her it happens all the time. You’ll be back as soon as you figure out I’m evil in spite of my car-naming tendencies. Kind of the way Hitler loved dogs.

    Hitler comes up a lot in this blog. What’s WITH that?

    I will be back to my personal comment approach soon, I swear. I’ve got my hands full just trying to keep you rowdy bunch entertained.

    Tony: Oh, she’s out here. She’s WATCHING.

    Steph: Crisse, honey, the angle of the thing was to discourage you from reading it. Just submit to its illegibility. All will be well.

    James: I believe in you too. I believe you can make me get a website functional, and comment subscriptions. I believe in monkeys, too.

    Everyone else: You are supremely awesome, and I’m going to go write you another post now.

    Comment by Tei — May 15, 2008 @ 4:09 am | Reply

  21. @ Tei – And I believe I can fly. I just haven’t found the right science yet 🙂

    Comment by James Chartrand - Men with Pens — May 15, 2008 @ 1:36 pm | Reply

  22. Hahaha…your lesbian trick is bloody hilarious. I can just imagine the two of you getting on in front of the blokes. What a mischievous idea indeed. 🙂

    Hey, I also like magic. Magic rocks.

    Comment by Monika Mundell — May 15, 2008 @ 3:15 pm | Reply

  23. I’m always saddened when people DON’T (sorry Steph!) name [supposedly] inanimate objects. My laptop’s named MACelangelo, our last car was Iris & the car before her was Blue Moon, our last motorcycle was Scarlett (YES, as in O’Hara) & my current mobile is Wee Scarlet (in commemoration, being the same color).. ^_^

    Although I can create a whistle, a single sound, I’ve never been able to turn it into whistling. While I don’t doubt #6, you clearly have no problem encouraging drug use given #8. Since #6 isn’t true of me, I have that as an excuse for #7 since I too can’t do things requiring equilibrium. ~_^

    As for #10, glad to have a word for it. Then there’s #11, I’m right there in the midland w/you. #13 used to be true, I’ve done #14 & #16 is definitely true. My favorite has to be #12 tho’. When smallish, I loved reading historical novels (which ALWAYS take place elsewhere since the good ol’ USA has next to no history) & my mum could always tell where each book took place as soon as I spoke.

    (|_|*cheers*|_|)
    “To dare every day to be irreverent and bold. To dare to preserve the randomness of mind which in children produces strange and wonderful new thoughts and forms. To continually scramble the familiar and bring the old into new juxtaposition.” ~ Gordon Webber

    Comment by Dorian aka coffeeister |_|) — May 15, 2008 @ 6:31 pm | Reply

  24. @Dorian I dunno. I killed my Jeep and still feel bad about that. If it had had a name it would’ve been a lot worse.

    Comment by Matt Tuley — May 16, 2008 @ 1:01 am | Reply

  25. […] I wouldn’t try to take on Tei if all I had was a pen… see #3 and #5 on her list if you don’t believe me… swords […]

    Pingback by 6 Weeks — May 16, 2008 @ 11:14 am | Reply

  26. You make a very fair point, Matt, esp. as we now not only miss those vehicles greatly but do so by name!

    (|_|*sad now*|_|)
    “Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.” ~ Erma Bombeck

    Comment by Dorian aka coffeeister |_|) — May 16, 2008 @ 3:24 pm | Reply

  27. I’ve been lurking for a bit and enjoying your blog. In fact, I’m late commenting on this one because I was busy stea…, borr…, appropri…, propagating – let’s go with propagating – your idea. I give credit where it’s due – even gave you a handsome black steed.

    #6 – Me, either, but I’m a transplant to California, so I don’t count as a bad Californian. Join me in another Laphroig before the FDA gets any ideas?
    10 – Homophone misuse = nails on a chalkboard – but your word is much more concise.
    12 – I used to feel horrible and try to mind my tongue, especially when I was younger. One of my best friends was a Spanish speaker. I’d catch myself mimicking her accent while we were conversing and bite my tongue. I’ve had that happen often with different friends, but none of them ever commented (and we remained friends). Do you think they didn’t notice? Perhaps they just expected to be mimicked? It’s funny that no one ever said, “Hey, why are you talking like that?” I think I’ve gotten pretty good at the control (or else I don’t hear myself anymore).
    13 – I don’t have the memory capacity I once had. Some of my poems have slipped away. I’m trying Psalms, now.

    Sunili: I read the blog ’til the battery in the laptop died and then went to bed. My son came to my door a while later and said, “Yeah, that’s totally a rabbit.”

    Dorian: I’ve got one note, too. Maybe if we take turns we can produce something that simulates a “real” whistle.

    Tei: Tei says,”Nothing says ‘you finally have a house of your own to come back to’ like fucking purple and turquoise walls.” I say…wha’? Is fucking walls your way of marking your territory? New one to me. How do you even…? Never mind. I don’t need that visual. :^)

    Tei, et al.: My son read this post and all comments when he got bored with Youtube the other night. He was hooked! Kudos for creating a post that even holds the attention of a preteen! (Scary thought?)

    Comment by April — May 17, 2008 @ 10:30 am | Reply

  28. You forgot to mention that you’re ALWAYS THE MAN in the lesbian-lover-lifestyle. WHY?! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS GET TO TASTE THE WINE FOR APPROVAL?!?!?!?! No. Fair.

    Also, shamelessly using commenting on your blog for my own purposes, I see that you’re home right now. When do you leave? I thought I planned my CA trip expressly to be there when you’re there, as requested, and now I’m confused.

    Also-also, you forgot to mention that you use butter to cook EVERYTHING. I was making mushrooms last night and totally caught myself using obscene quantities of butter, and I blame YOU and your BAD INFLUENCE. You should probably include #17: “I cook using insane amounts of butter”, and #18: “I corrupt all who come into my Web Of Destruction”.

    Oh, and #19: “I write the best love letters the world has yet known”.

    Comment by Tessa — May 21, 2008 @ 4:27 pm | Reply

  29. Tess: Because I am more masculine that way. Bite me.

    I am home. I’m here till the 3rd of June. You did just right, and we will all be together soon, drooling in baby-love bliss.

    Cooking lots of stuff in butter is not strange. It’s just smart. Ask any chef you know how to make things tastier and he will say butter and salt. Ask Jojo’s friend Lia. She’s a professional.

    I DO corrupt all that come into my Web of Destruction, but is that really STRANGE? I think not.

    As for #19: THAT’S why I get to be the man. Writing a good love letter is the hallmark of manhood. Didn’t anyone tell you?

    Comment by Tei — May 21, 2008 @ 5:20 pm | Reply

  30. April: Sweet. Preteens are my target demographic. It’s why I curse so much. I mean. Wait. What?

    Comment by Tei — May 21, 2008 @ 5:21 pm | Reply


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