Rogue Ink

July 1, 2008

5 Smart Things to Do When You’re Going to Abandon Your Blog for a Time

Filed under: Blogging — Tei @ 4:20 am

In advance, I realize I have done none of these things. However, as the wise man said, sometimes we only know what we should have done in retrospect. Of course, the other wise man said, Try not. Do or do not. There is no try. And I think we can all agree that wise men who are puppets beat out wise men who are men any day. Therefore, here’s all the stuff I should have done before taking a leave of absence from the pub.

1. Tell people.

This is smart in most situations. Not, obviously, if you intend to rip off a bank. Or throw a surprise party. Or fart in a crowded elevator. Or if you see Sally Bowles’ mother on the street directly after seeing Sally herself in one of the most dazzling burlesque reviews in the German World War II circuit. In those situations, as Ms. Bowles tells us, mum’s the word. However, if you are about to disappear off the face of the earth and you don’t want to stand your bloggers up, you should probably let them know about it.

Did the rogue do this? No.

2. Plan posts for the nonce.

Nonce is an amazing word, and we should use it more often. For one thing, it rhymes with ‘sconce,’ another delightful word and surprisingly lovely decoration not often encouraged by today’s overhead-light loving set. For another, ‘nonce’ indicates ‘for the duration’ in a much more pleasing, romantic way. If I had planned posts, ‘for the nonce’ would have described my absence beautifully. For the nonce, please enjoy these delightful posts I have prepared with my own two delicate hands for you, I might have said. And you would have swooned both at the lusciousness of my prose and the exquisite construction of my posts, and not noticed my absence in the comments at all.

What actually happened was more like ‘while you fucking left us’. As in, ‘while you fucking left us, there was nothing to read and we contemplated drinking all your booze and peeing in the corners of the pub.’ You don’t say stuff like that with ‘for the nonce.’ Try it. ‘For the nonce, please enjoy trashing my pub.’ It doesn’t work.

Did the rogue plan for the nonce? No, she fucking left you.

3. Ask someone to blogsit.

This is a cooler way, I think, of saying ‘guest post’. It’s more or less the same theory as house-sitting. You get to come in, make use of my space in whatever way so pleases you, and as long as you don’t annoy my neighbors or burn the place down, I’ll thank you for keeping an eye on things and making sure Brett keeps his kilt right where it’s supposed to be.

Guest posts also neatly eliminate the necessity for number two, if you are so inclined. You can even still use ‘nonce’. Try it. ‘For the nonce, please enjoy the verbal stylings of my friend King Writacular.’ Works a treat.

Did the rogue ask someone to blogsit? No, because the rogue does not ask nicely. After the rogue was done asking, her intended guest-poster was weeping in a puddle of jam and eggnog. Don’t ask. You don’t want to know.

4. Plan something really cool for your comeback.

If Cher went on tour again (and oh, you know she will) and she didn’t bust out the most ridiculous outfits you had yet laid your eyes on, would you not be horribly disappointed in Cher? Would you not demand something with absurd amounts of fringe and a hat to make the good women who attend horse races cringe? So would I. Similarly, your return to the blogging stage ought to come with sparkles and spangles and other sp- beginning words. Spaghetti comes to mind. Your reappearance should be dripping in spaghetti. The oft-cited Incident of Calvin & Hobbes would not have been the glory that it was without the spaghetti, nor would it have required capitals.

The Spaghetti Return. That’s what your blog comeback should be. Or spork. Ooh, sporks. Spinach? No. Definitely not spinach. I hereby forbid everyone from returning to blogging with the word ‘spinach’ in their post.

Did the rogue use the word ‘spinach’ in her comeback post? She did.

5. Become Cap’n On It.

I have a devil duck whose name is Cap’n Onit. This is neither here nor there, but I feel you should know that the name has been put to good use. Once he conquered Florence (true story). At any rate, the name Cap’n Onit arose because, as the name implies, he always was.

On it. He was always on it. Keep up, people.

Which is what you should be when you return to blogland. Every day a new post, every day new glories. Which is the single only item on this list to which I shall be adhering. Since it is also the last item on this list, I shall feel I have done well. I am Cap’n Onit, people. New blog posts all the week, including tomorrow an entry into the War on English, because we all know the bloodshed between the grammarians and the text-messagers is what pays the electric bill around here.

Is the rogue on it? She SO is.

One extra special bonus DON’T for leaving your blog.

DON’T come back to blogging, post one tantalizing promise-I’m-back post, and then disappear for another week.

Did the rogue – shut up. I don’t want to play this game anymore.

Subscribe. I’m back.

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24 Comments »

  1. But you wouldn’t be a rogue if you had done all the things you suggests. Rogues hide.

    And all your pub customers would wait for you.

    Good to have you back. (And my first comment here.)

    Comment by Martin — July 1, 2008 @ 7:34 am | Reply

  2. Even after all those things that the rogue didn’t do, we will still forgive the rogue. Once she makes sure Brett’s kilt is in the right place.

    This is one of the many reasons we will forgive the rogue. As are instances such as this.

    Just don’t do it again. I’m not sure we can survive a second disappearance of the rogue. 😉

    Comment by Allison — July 1, 2008 @ 7:49 am | Reply

  3. Meh, even though you used ‘spinach’, it was a pretty good comeback post! Glad to have you back. Someone’s gotta clean up all the mess, don’t they?

    Comment by Sunili — July 1, 2008 @ 8:41 am | Reply

  4. Tei,

    I know you put this there for the sticklers’ benefit, so I’m going to get stickler-firsties: that’s 5 smart things. 🙂

    I feel better now. Sometimes I let you split infinitives and stuff but titling the post 3 smart things just to taunt me is going too far, woman.

    OMG posts “for the nonce.” Killer phrase! I’ve been doing it this summer, off and on, to no detriment but I have not used nonce in a sentence in the whole month. *hangs head in shame* I must try to work it in next time I take off. Of course, if I do, people will know I’m out of town, and my plan to keep my massive riches safe will be foiled.

    Regards,

    Kelly

    P.S. Not holding my breath, but happy to see you back if it’s true, he he. Hope you’re well-rested.

    Comment by Kelly — July 1, 2008 @ 11:45 am | Reply

  5. Ha, Kelly said it. The risk of dropping of the face of the earth while close friends worried whether you had been hit by a Mack truck and rushed to the hospital to be plugged on tubes while waiting for family members to decide whether to keep you there or let you die peacefully

    *deep breath to continue run-on sentence*

    is that we worry that you’ll do it again.

    Please don’t. Because we worry enough about a lot of things as it is, like the possibility that Mack and we might one day become close, intimate friends and we really don’t want anyone to sign a DNR agreement on our behalf because we were too lazy to write something that said please keep us alive at all costs because

    *another deep breath*

    we want to be with our friends. Like you.

    Comment by James Chartrand - Men with Pens — July 1, 2008 @ 1:00 pm | Reply

  6. And why the F**K are you not on your new blog yet? Now I have to write a post it note that says “Tei Post” and stick it on my monitor so that I remember to go hit refresh every half hour or so and stay updated and involved in the conversation

    *deep, deep breath*

    that might be happening here, now that you’re back.

    Cheers.

    Comment by James Chartrand - Men with Pens — July 1, 2008 @ 1:01 pm | Reply

  7. I’ll juxtapose James’s sentences with this: Finally.

    My IQ’s been dropping without my regular pint of Genius, yo.

    Comment by Steph — July 1, 2008 @ 1:54 pm | Reply

  8. Tei,
    I’ll let James do all the dirty work and just say…
    Glad to have you back friend, we really missed you. PLEASE don’t do that anymore.

    Comment by wendikelly — July 1, 2008 @ 2:18 pm | Reply

  9. Hey twin. (You know, if we were really twins we’d be able to anticipate each other’s nonces and jump right in and blogsit each other’s brains. Or does that only work for Siamese Twins?!? I digress…)

    Glad you’re back. No getting hit by trucks. That would be bad.

    I understand the advice and theories — not just yours, but in general — about planning and posting ahead and announcing your absence and yada yada yada, but I also get that life isn’t like that sometimes. When blogging isn’t the main reason you wake and breathe — although sometimes it dons that mask when we’re looking the other way, like at our stats — sometimes you just have to disappear and trust that Blogland won’t explode or die without you. And if folks worry themselves into a coma over a few day break? Well, not to be rude to the chronic worriers out there, but those folks should probably get a life… or learn how to send an email or dial a phone.

    I’m thinking of hanging a sign at my blog (right near the RSS button) that says “WARNING: I have the right to remain silent, and I’m not afraid to use it.” When you blogsit for me someday, you can borrow it. 😉

    Comment by Amy — July 1, 2008 @ 2:35 pm | Reply

  10. Hmm.. that first wink was supposed to just be a )
    (ambitious little guy)

    Comment by Amy — July 1, 2008 @ 2:36 pm | Reply

  11. Well, I feel a right idiot. #6 – append the appropriate digit to the post title. This is why I don’t DO those goddamn ’10 ways to enlightenment’ posts, people. I can’t COUNT. I am an ENGLISH MAJOR. If I were a MATHEMATICIAN, I’d be getting MARRIED right now.

    No, seriously. Two of my mathematician friends? Getting married. To each other. This summer. They wouldn’t let me be a bridesmaid because I couldn’t solve the bridesmaid’s equation. True story.

    Martin: First pint to you, my friend. Come comment often.

    Allison: You’re a sweetheart. Why must you link love me on my own blog? Why now?

    Sunili: Spinach. Spinoza. Spumoni. Sprinkle. Spew. Ew, gross.

    Kelly: I know, I know. Working on it. For the nonce.

    James: You knew exactly where I was, Puck. Don’t even lie to the patrons.

    Steph: Drink up, matey. First round’s on me. And second and third. And all of them, actually. Fuck, that is just wrong.

    Amy: Dude, the emoticons’ll sneak up on you like that. And yeah, you know what’s funny? I thought my stats would bottom out while I was gone, but I got a consistent number of hits per day. Not sure if that was peeps checking in just in case I posted, or new folks, but either way – my hard-won stat counter did not up and DIE. Which is really all we care about, yes?

    Comment by Tei — July 1, 2008 @ 3:36 pm | Reply

  12. Tei — seriously, even when I disappeared for a month or more with mono, and didn’t even bother going on the blog and saying why I wasn’t posting or anything, I still got the same amount of traffic. So all of that’s total bull, in my eyes. Personally, I couldn’t care less about hits or subscriber count, because my blog doesn’t exist to sell anything or promote anything, but I can understand why business bloggers, etc., would care. I mostly only check my stats for OCD/ADD purposes. Hehe.

    Comment by Amy — July 1, 2008 @ 3:49 pm | Reply

  13. Glad you’re back…missed the madness 😀

    Comment by Crystal — July 1, 2008 @ 5:00 pm | Reply

  14. Now, at the risk of being too nerdy to ever be allowed in the pub again… mind sharing what that bridesmaids equation was? The curiosity is killing me.

    Comment by Allison — July 1, 2008 @ 5:04 pm | Reply

  15. Tei,

    You mean if I’m willing to do more math I can get a dude? I was very good at math, this is tempting…

    Cute dude or so-so?

    Anybody who didn’t know where you were lives under a rock. A very obscure rock, on a mountain in Chile. In a tiny, frozen village, surrounded by wise men high on organic hallucinogens, saying, “Should we pick it up and tell them SHE’s been Escaping Reality?”

    Amy,

    Yeah, but you’re a rockstar. Your groupies are lifers, waiting to see what bats–t rant you’ll go on next. 🙂

    Thank heavens for the ranters. They make the absurd, livable.

    Later,

    Kelly

    Comment by visionpoints — July 1, 2008 @ 10:01 pm | Reply

  16. Kelly – Yes, but the scary thing was, Tei disappeared from there too. We had to go a whole EIGHT DAYS without hearing from her or her character. Considering two other players decided not to continue on the RPG at about the same time, it terrified those of us who thought she might have left ER for good like the other two. Which would have been shocking. Or depressing. Or, most likely, both.

    Comment by Allison — July 2, 2008 @ 9:41 am | Reply

  17. @ Amy/Kelly – Okay. Not cool, guys.

    I tend not to stalk people IRL and leave them to their time. I don’t know where Tei lives or what she was doing and this doesn’t mean I’m some ignorant bastard who lives under a rock.

    I also don’t generally have phone numbers for everyone under the sun, and who the hell would I be to call people up and disturb their lives based on an Internet friendship? Sure, some people do that, and more power to them. I don’t, as I see it as a breach of right to privacy and plain rude.

    As for me getting a life based on the fact that I worried over someone I consider a close friend, I think that comment was way, way off track and extremely offensive. Personally, I appreciate that people care enough to wonder where the hell I am after a couple of days’ unusual absence. I don’t go tell those people to get a life.

    To round off this very French “you have pissed me off” rant, I *did* send a bloody email. A couple, in fact. With no answer. So before you judge others, ask or shut your mouth.

    Comment by James Chartrand - Men with Pens — July 2, 2008 @ 12:37 pm | Reply

  18. *sigh*

    Now I feel incredibly guilty for being rude and French, and I can’t take back the last sentence. My apologies. Knee-jerk reaction at its best.

    Comment by James Chartrand - Men with Pens — July 2, 2008 @ 1:30 pm | Reply

  19. I LOVE your writing, girl and I missed you!

    I, for one, would like to hear more tales of Captain Onit. Go on, spill.

    Oh, and where is your subscribe to comments button? Really!?

    Comment by macpeas — July 2, 2008 @ 2:00 pm | Reply

  20. Amy: I know, I know. And yet the guilt, she haunted me. I think I have a Jewish mother of blogs.

    Crystal: And madness ye shall have!

    Allison: I don’t remember it. I believe that was part of the test. It wasn’t really true, it was just that I got trapped in a room with all the math-inclined bridesmaids and a giant chalkboard and they schooled me silly and then mocked me for not being mathy enough to be a bridesmaid.

    Kelly: So-so. But my girl loves him, so there you are. He’s a good guy. Used to play ghost chess with my lover. Very strange. Also: as others have noted, I was not at ER. I was doing other stuff. Non-online stuff. Yes, it still exists.

    Sandie: I’m so pleased you got your website up and running. Makes me ashamed. Cap’n Onit is amazing, and his adventures shall one day be written in force. FORCE, I say!

    Jamie: Honey? Where the hell did that come from? Nobody’s critiquing the James. Rules of the Pub: all criticism is levied at the Rogue, who may then smite it with her mighty wit. She was just talking people, and she was doing it to make me feel better. You are a delightful Man, Jamie-boy, but you are not People. Just a singular People of the Man persuasion.

    Comment by Tei — July 2, 2008 @ 4:26 pm | Reply

  21. Wait… I think you’re saying I am not the center of the universe. This puzzles me. Must think on it.

    Comment by James Chartrand - Men with Pens — July 2, 2008 @ 5:25 pm | Reply

  22. James: That’s an excellent interpretation, Puckster. You think about that for a bit. Have a pint.

    Comment by Tei — July 2, 2008 @ 6:21 pm | Reply

  23. James,

    Huh??

    I meant, she wrote a bloomin’ love letter to ya, so folks who don’t play at your playground would assume she was off there. Plus, she kinda posted here and there anyway, during her break. Not so much of a break, if you keep posting.

    Tei dear,

    Sometimes it’s nice not having subscribe-to-comments. I’m bein’ yelled at and I don’t even know it. In fact, I’m responding to bein’ yelled at, and my darling Pen Man may never even know it, if his post-it note fell down.

    I thought I was the only person besides Amy who knew about RL anymore. 🙂

    Comment by Kelly — July 3, 2008 @ 4:01 am | Reply

  24. […] 5 Smart Things to Do When You’re Going to Abandon Your Blogs for a Time at Rogue Ink. […]

    Pingback by NBT Weekend Link Love - July 5th -6th 2008 : Network Blogging Tips — July 5, 2008 @ 11:46 pm | Reply


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