Rogue Ink

August 18, 2008

How to Rejoice For a New Client. Particularly a Whipped Cream Client.

Filed under: Writing — Tei @ 8:05 pm

So I have this client, a marketing firm. They in turn have a client (I promise this will not go on forever). This client makes flavored whipped cream. If you can think of a more delightful prospect for a writer or a lover of dessert foodstuffs, I personally would like to hear it.

Stick in a finger. And other not-at-all suggestive taglines.

Now, Naomi already documented the difficulties I was having writing taglines for this company, because the marketing guy, who is in charge of this company’s new image specifically stated that he didn’t want anything suggestive. Because, he said, it was just too easy. Now, this is true. It is also hilarious.

One of the best taglines I came up with was “Always on top.” Funny, simple, true for whipped cream, slightly sexy, it has everything. It is also one of the taglines I didn’t send him, because he didn’t want slightly sexy. Even if it would go right over the heads of most children. And, for that matter, most frogs. They’re not too quite on the update, amphibians.

So I wrote him some non-suggestive, or at least only vaguely suggestive, taglines. Sent them over, and he likes some of them, and he wants to bring me on board. I rejoiced, because any day where I get a closer proximity to whipped cream is, in my book, a damn good day. I thought you might enjoy seeing what happens when a rogue rejoices over a new client. Here is the conversation I had, on IM, with Harry of the good Men with Pens.

A Conversation ‘Twixt Man and Rogue. And, briefly, the lolcats.

Tei: Hurrah!

Harry: ?

Tei: Whipped cream guy likes the taglines. We’re in negotiations now with the client.

Harry: Yay!

Tei: This means I get to use the phrase ‘whipped cream guy’ pretty often. Which is great on a whole ‘nother level.

Harry: LOL

Tei: Just saying. How often does that opportunity normally arise? Not often. Clearly, I am special.

Harry: You win!

Tei: I do. If a small midget were to arrive right now wearing festive garb and present me with a cookie, I would not say, “Nay! I am not worthy.” I would monch. With aplomb and righteousness.

Harry: nom nom nom

Tei: Can has midget?

Harry: Yesh!

Tei: Schweet.

Harry: Midget cookies?

Tei: No! Giant cookies! Borne by midgets! Truly, thusly should the size distribution go, in this best of all possible worlds.

Harry: But then wouldn’t the cookies only look bigger?

Tei: No. The cookies and the midgets would then be roughly the same size.

Harry: Ahhhh. Alright then.

Tei: Everyone knows that the smaller you are, the more of your body mass you can lift. The midgets would be mighty midgets indeed.

Harry: Verily so. I was going to suggest giants bearing cookies

Tei: Ah, yes, but then you see the giant has to bend down to give you the cookie, and he might drop it, and the velocity of the cookie-droppage might prove fatal. We must plan for all contingencies.

Harry: Terminal cookie velocity.

Tei: Quite! If Isaac Newton had been plonked on the head with a giant-dropped cookie instead of an apple, we would never have gotten to know gravity in quite such an annoying numbers-based fashion!

Harry: That’s true, he never would have lived to tell the tale.

Tei: And my physics class would have been a hell of a lot easier.

Harry: cookie+giant+cranium=nothing.

Tei: I have a good mind to post this entire conversation on the blog, just to demonstrate the kind of madness that ensues when I get a new client. My rejoicing tends to be long-winded and philosophical. And cookie-oriented.

Harry: Go for it. I’d be amused muchly.

Tei: Me too. I think I shall.

And So It Was. Yea, Verily, Isaac Newton.

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25 Comments »

  1. MUST comment. Hysterical. I MUD and this so sounds like conversations we’d have. Plus there’s a cookie fanatic there – bring him cookies he will do anything. I shall share this with him! Thanks for making my day!

    Comment by ShyTrbleMaker — August 18, 2008 @ 8:33 pm | Reply

  2. too damn hilarious … congratulations 🙂

    — she who munches nuts and bears skid-marks

    Comment by joyce lukaczer — August 18, 2008 @ 11:16 pm | Reply

  3. I run around the blogosphere spilling smart advice on branding, marketing, copywriting… and my business partner is doing THIS?

    Jesus. At least SHARE the damned cookies. (Ginger, please)

    Comment by James Chartrand - Men with Pens — August 19, 2008 @ 12:07 am | Reply

  4. @James: *passes him a cookie – or rather, has one delivered by midget*

    Comment by Harrison "Comic Relief" McLeod — August 19, 2008 @ 12:16 am | Reply

  5. This is awesome. Sounds vaguely familiar to a conversation that I had a while back, something about dropping a marshmellow off of a bridge and somehow ending with the big bang theory being discredited. Thanks for the laugh and the memories.

    BTW, congrats on the new client!

    Comment by Sal — August 19, 2008 @ 12:24 am | Reply

  6. Oh my. Congratulations, Tei, for not only do you get to be in closer proximity to whipped cream, but you have also exponentially brightened my day. You two are hilarious.

    Sal – A marshmallow discrediting the Big Bang Theory? This I must hear.

    Comment by Allison Day — August 19, 2008 @ 1:19 am | Reply

  7. Are we allowed to say “midget”?

    Congrats on getting creamed. 🙂

    Comment by Karen JL — August 19, 2008 @ 1:36 am | Reply

  8. @Karen: I think we are. Somehow “vertically challenged individuals bearing baked goods” isn’t quite as funny.

    Comment by Harrison "Comic Relief" McLeod — August 19, 2008 @ 1:46 am | Reply

  9. Wow. I have a lot to say.

    First off, mightymidgets.com is taken and I, for one, am PISSED. Fuckers.

    Second, and this is directed specifically to James. Anyone who, given the choice of ANY COOKIE IN THE UNIVERSE, would choose fucking ginger deserves to be working while his partner does something more fun. Ginger? Seriously? What are you, Amish?

    Next, Sal. Your comment made me think of how I was going to blog the other day that wet marshmallows are totally disgusting. Then I realized that even I couldn’t work that into a marketing lesson. Thank you for giving me a platform.

    Last, Harry. I think “vertically challenged individuals bearing baked goods” is quite funny indeed. But that’s just me and I’m sick. I mean, I’m not sick enough to actually CHOOSE ginger cookies, but whatever. It’s a spectrum.

    Comment by Naomi Dunford — August 19, 2008 @ 3:09 am | Reply

  10. @Naomi: I think it’s pretty funny too. I always think of the good stuff after the fact. Now, about those Ginger cookies…I have to agree there too. Not a big fan of Ginger cookies. Give me double chocolate chip with macadamia nuts and I’m a happy camper.

    Comment by Harrison "Comic Relief" McLeod — August 19, 2008 @ 4:12 am | Reply

  11. @Harry…um yeah, it kinda is. 🙂

    @Naomi – I concur about the ginger. I want one of Harry’s cookies. (“Amish” ha!)

    Comment by Karen JL — August 19, 2008 @ 5:08 am | Reply

  12. @Harry
    I actually think “VCIBBG” is very funny – much funnier than “midgets with cookies.”

    Comment by Alex Fayle | Someday Syndrome — August 19, 2008 @ 6:57 am | Reply

  13. @Karen & Alex: like I said, I always think of the good stuff after the fact. 😉

    Bring on the VCIBBG! Cookies for everyone!

    Now, where the hell did that Rogue go?

    Comment by Harrison "Comic Relief" McLeod — August 19, 2008 @ 7:10 am | Reply

  14. Okay, this post and comment thread is nothing but hilarious! I had to look up some words in the dictionary to fully understand it though 🙂 If you writers get all funny and witty, the conversation gets tougher and tougher to follow for non-native speakers!

    I think it’s pretty ironic that the puritan attitude of the client sparks a chain of sexist and suggestive posts on whipped cream 🙂 Oh and for the VCIBBG giant cookies…chocolate chips and ginger sounds pretty good to me actually.

    Congrats on landing the account!

    Comment by Lodewijk — August 19, 2008 @ 7:53 am | Reply

  15. *lofty sniff* I think ginger cookies are a sign of distinguished taste and prestigious class. Who wants common chocolate chip? Peanut butter? Come on, for kids.

    Ginger sets a person apart in a class all his own. (And from the comments being left here, I think I’ll just keep it that way. HMMPH!)

    Comment by James Chartrand - Men with Pens — August 19, 2008 @ 12:17 pm | Reply

  16. Harry, I hardly knew ye.

    Tei,

    Congrats on the new account. Re: Cookies—a fine ginger snap with perhaps a smidge of lemon sherbet, or even a warm, soft gingerbread man, is a lovely thing indeed. And being a baker of massive quantities of cookies at holidays to send to friends and family, I can tell you that there are many other kinds as well. Shortbread, for instance. My favorite. And goes well with VCIBBG.

    Of course, my double-chocolates are the ones that go first when I put out a plate after a party. When you plan to indulge, most folks don’t care that there’s more to life than chocolate. 😉

    Regards,

    Kelly

    Comment by Kelly — August 19, 2008 @ 2:25 pm | Reply

  17. I for one will never turn down the chance to bite the head off of a warm fresh gingerman. But *sigh* it just doesn’t compare with double chocolate anything. Especially an excellent quality dark chocolate. And now…we can have Tei’s new client cover it all in flavored whipped cream. What’s not to love?

    Very exciting news Tei. Celebrating with Harry…very fun….sharing it with us…even better! Thanks!

    Comment by Wendi Kelly-Life's Little Inspirations — August 19, 2008 @ 2:41 pm | Reply

  18. @ James
    I’m picturing you eating little ginger cookies with legs crossed and pinky extended.

    And the rest of us with chocolate smeared all over our faces…:)

    Comment by Karen JL — August 19, 2008 @ 4:25 pm | Reply

  19. Congrats on landing such a cool client, Tei!
    (I keep picturing Devo in those red hats singing, “Whip it. Whip it good.”)

    One of my favorite clients is a cheese company. Whenever we get stuck writing their ad copy we yell out, “hard cheese!”

    Comment by Rebecca Smith — August 19, 2008 @ 5:53 pm | Reply

  20. I hate double chocolate.

    O Ginger, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee so much I not only eat ginger cookies but ginger slices, fresh minced ginger in stir frys, and ginger candies by the bagful. I love the burn. 🙂

    Ginger cookies are my favourite. After that is the white chocolate macadamia nut ones.

    ANYWAY: Tei baby, congrats on the account! I’m curious to know which taglines they liked best…

    PS. Hmmm, maybe you should keep that cookie line on your site, btw. 🙂

    Comment by Steph — August 19, 2008 @ 6:17 pm | Reply

  21. @James: Alright, I’m a kid – and your point is? 😉

    @Kelly: Shortbread. Yum.

    @Lode: Trust me, there are some words in there not even I use on a regular basis. I have no idea where they came from.

    @Wendi: Not really a big dark chocolate fan. Milk chocolate’s my fave.

    @Rebecca: Cheese? Cheese is good too. Especially that squeaky cheese from Quebec

    @Steph: *gasp* Hate double chocolate? Blasphemy!

    Comment by Harrison "Comic Relief" McLeod — August 19, 2008 @ 10:28 pm | Reply

  22. Gah! I disappear for TWO SECONDS and everything goes MAD!

    Harry: Ur in my blog, stealin’ my show, dude. In what hemisphere is ‘vertically challenged individuals bearing baked goods’ not as funny as ‘midgets’? Midgets are SO passe.

    I must defend Jamie and his ginger cookies, for yea, there are damned good ones at Trader Joe’s, with crystallized ginger baked in, and if you get yourself some ginger ice cream and make tiny gingery sandwiches, you will have a gingergasm to beat all gingergasms.

    As for everyone else – thankee for good wishes, sorry for delayed comments to comments, and wet marshmallows are, indeed, disgusting. I will actually argue that marshmallow in any form other than slow-roasted over a campfire is disgusting, but I am sure I will have my contenders.

    Into the fray!

    Comment by Tei — August 19, 2008 @ 11:15 pm | Reply

  23. Gingergasms…I’ll have what she’s having!!

    REALLY. Ginger ice cream!? Do they have this tasty goodness in Canada? WHERE can I get me some?

    Comment by Steph — August 20, 2008 @ 1:34 am | Reply

  24. […] something equally inane, and take a little fifteen-minute break to chat about nothing at all. See: yesterday’s conversation. Wireless at home is like water-cooler chat. Without the water-cooler, sadly. But also without […]

    Pingback by 11 Reasons Why Having Home Wireless is Better than an Internet Cafe « Rogue Ink — August 20, 2008 @ 3:44 am | Reply

  25. @ James. Yes, because you’re so fucking classy. You’re all about the class. Ginger lover.

    Comment by Naomi Dunford — August 20, 2008 @ 4:20 pm | Reply


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