How to Rejoice For a New Client. Particularly a Whipped Cream Client.

So I have this client, a marketing firm. They in turn have a client (I promise this will not go on forever). This client makes flavored whipped cream. If you can think of a more delightful prospect for a writer or a lover of dessert foodstuffs, I personally would like to hear it.

Stick in a finger. And other not-at-all suggestive taglines.

Now, Naomi already documented the difficulties I was having writing taglines for this company, because the marketing guy, who is in charge of this company’s new image specifically stated that he didn’t want anything suggestive. Because, he said, it was just too easy. Now, this is true. It is also hilarious.

One of the best taglines I came up with was “Always on top.” Funny, simple, true for whipped cream, slightly sexy, it has everything. It is also one of the taglines I didn’t send him, because he didn’t want slightly sexy. Even if it would go right over the heads of most children. And, for that matter, most frogs. They’re not too quite on the update, amphibians.

So I wrote him some non-suggestive, or at least only vaguely suggestive, taglines. Sent them over, and he likes some of them, and he wants to bring me on board. I rejoiced, because any day where I get a closer proximity to whipped cream is, in my book, a damn good day. I thought you might enjoy seeing what happens when a rogue rejoices over a new client. Here is the conversation I had, on IM, with Harry of the good Men with Pens.

A Conversation ‘Twixt Man and Rogue. And, briefly, the lolcats.

Tei: Hurrah!

Harry: ?

Tei: Whipped cream guy likes the taglines. We’re in negotiations now with the client.

Harry: Yay!

Tei: This means I get to use the phrase ‘whipped cream guy’ pretty often. Which is great on a whole ‘nother level.

Harry: LOL

Tei: Just saying. How often does that opportunity normally arise? Not often. Clearly, I am special.

Harry: You win!

Tei: I do. If a small midget were to arrive right now wearing festive garb and present me with a cookie, I would not say, “Nay! I am not worthy.” I would monch. With aplomb and righteousness.

Harry: nom nom nom

Tei: Can has midget?

Harry: Yesh!

Tei: Schweet.

Harry: Midget cookies?

Tei: No! Giant cookies! Borne by midgets! Truly, thusly should the size distribution go, in this best of all possible worlds.

Harry: But then wouldn’t the cookies only look bigger?

Tei: No. The cookies and the midgets would then be roughly the same size.

Harry: Ahhhh. Alright then.

Tei: Everyone knows that the smaller you are, the more of your body mass you can lift. The midgets would be mighty midgets indeed.

Harry: Verily so. I was going to suggest giants bearing cookies

Tei: Ah, yes, but then you see the giant has to bend down to give you the cookie, and he might drop it, and the velocity of the cookie-droppage might prove fatal. We must plan for all contingencies.

Harry: Terminal cookie velocity.

Tei: Quite! If Isaac Newton had been plonked on the head with a giant-dropped cookie instead of an apple, we would never have gotten to know gravity in quite such an annoying numbers-based fashion!

Harry: That’s true, he never would have lived to tell the tale.

Tei: And my physics class would have been a hell of a lot easier.

Harry: cookie+giant+cranium=nothing.

Tei: I have a good mind to post this entire conversation on the blog, just to demonstrate the kind of madness that ensues when I get a new client. My rejoicing tends to be long-winded and philosophical. And cookie-oriented.

Harry: Go for it. I’d be amused muchly.

Tei: Me too. I think I shall.

And So It Was. Yea, Verily, Isaac Newton.

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